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  • Allison Bonilla LCSW
    • Allison's Blog
  • About ACC
    • Statement of Faith and Purpose
  • Community Resources
  • Contact Us
  • Conversations with Clinicians
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1/26/2020 0 Comments

De-clutter for Emotional Health

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I made a trip to Japan a few years back and it forever changed my view of my personal space.  I didn’t consider my home and office surroundings as cluttered until I returned with a new minimalist view of space.  My home now looked cluttered and I began to see some elements that resembled hoarding.
 
I have worked with several clients who suffered from hoarding.  Yes it is a diagnosed ailment.  Compulsive Hoarding is typically part of the anxiety spectrum of mental disorders.  It is usually identified by the degree of mental disturbance just the thought of getting rid of items produces.  The actual act of getting rid of items can increase the anxiety to such a great extent that the person may experience panic and or be immobilized and unable to achieve the mental organizational ability needed to achieve the task.  It is hard for non hoarders to understand how someone can be so attached to items that these items make their life and home, areas of great dysfunction.  As I returned from Japan, with its predominantly minimalist structuring of home décor I had a changed perspective on what I now saw as my cluttered setting.  My home and office space now seemed too filled for my peace of mind.
 
I faced the question of what to get rid of, for the first time.  I would traditionally, like other people who didn’t suffer from OCD, or any anxiety disorder that manifested itself in hoarding, get rid of things that were broken beyond usefulness.  However I was now looking at items in my surroundings that were all useful and had worth in my estimation.  I saw a raison d'être for all the items placed in my surroundings.  Some were there because of personal relationships (gifts from kids), other items were practical and functional (coffeemaker, linens).  I was able to find some things that were no brainers and got rid of them with ease.  I didn’t realize that I had held on to my children’s reading books.  Given the fact that the youngest was now reading on a high school level it was doubtful that the Judy Blume books would need to be used by them again.  As they had no emotional attachment to these books it was agreed that they could be passed on to the school library (the Harry Potter series did however stay much to my dismay).  After loading three diaper boxes of books off to other homes there was an immediate lightness in my home.  I was now faced with a harder choice, how to discard items that were more precious to me.  This is the dilemma that hoarders face; the items we ask them to discard are precious to them.
 
The steps I used and found the most successful are outlined below.  I have since employed this model with clients who are diagnosed with anxiety disorders and who engage in hoarding behaviors as a result.  These steps are basically a variation of systematic desensitization, a model used to address deep fears.  The greatest fear of the hoarder is loss of access to their cherished items.  To address this fear, the cherished item is removed by degrees.  There are rules however about not adding to the clutter while engaged in this process.  One rule I had for myself and my clients is that you couldn’t buy or accumulate another item without getting rid of a current one.  My Achilles heel was home improvement stuff.  I always had a plan to work on some area of my home.  Therefore it made sense to buy a specific wall ornament, or paint that was on sale, or some tiles that were just the right style when I saw them.  The plan to improve my bathroom or repaint a bedroom remained plans as the purchased items stayed tucked away for that faithful day.  I now knew that unless the planned remodeling was going to happen today, or this weekend, then I was forbidden to buy any items in anticipation, regardless of how great the sale was.  Also all the magazines that I had collected with ideas that I wanted to implement would also have to go.   Because was I really going to reference a magazine article that was 5 years old at this point?  Thanks to the internet I no longer had to save every magazine article or picture that appealed to me. I could now have decorating ideas at the touch of my fingers through online do it yourself shows and online magazines
 
Armed with the rule of no new purchase or acquisitions without removing a similar item, I began to tackle my environment, one room at a time. 
  • Linen – I realized that I could only use one bedding set at a time, and my home only contained a king sized mattress and several twin mattresses.  Yet my linen closet still contained several sheet sets and bedding for a former queen sized mattress.  Granted the pattern and design of the bedding was gorgeous and I really loved it when I purchased it years ago and used it on the queen size mattress that once had a place in my home.  That mattress had been discarded over 8 years ago, yet the bedding was still in my linen closet.  The bedding and all its accompanying items were packed up.  And the closet was rearranged to fit three bedding sets for the kings sized mattress and two for each of the twin mattresses.  I now had two empty shelves in my linen closet, and no longer were items falling off of shelves when the closet was opened.
  • Dishes – The remnants of several different sets were still being housed in the kitchen cabinets.  I found it interesting to note that there were teacups that represented 5 different sets of dishes which had all at one time been full services for eight.  However as the children had broken or misplaced (how? I don’t know!) items from each set, we had purchased newer sets.  We just never got rid or the remaining pieces from the displaced set.  This oversight was finally rectified.  The local Goodwill agency was the lucky recipients of our donation of dining implements.  It amazing how many mismatched coffee mugs one can accumulate.  They are constantly being given out, some with Christmas candy in them and others with advertisements stamped upon them.  We decided to keep one per person who lived in the home and just discard the rest. 
  • Shoes, Clothing, and other personal apparel items- The rule that applied for this was, if it doesn’t fit you must quit (it).  It’s hard to quit (give up) some apparel.  You have memories, usually of how good you once looked in it.  By giving up on it are you also giving up on the hope of one day being that size again?  It’s an emotional decision.  Not so much with shoes, but certainly with clothing.  However the rule remained that if it didn’t fit (and hadn’t fit in the last 2 years), it was time to make the cut and just get rid of it.  In order to make this less painful however, the process was to gradually remove it from your vicinity.
    • First take it out of its current position, be it your closet or your attic.
    • Place it at an even greater distance, perhaps from closet to garage, or attic to a large box in someone else’s garage.  If your loved ones have been concerned about your clutter, they may be willing to help you in this way, by agreeing to store the items you are trying to get rid of for a period of time. 
    • Assess your anxiety level; it may increase temporarily as you adjust to not having your cherished item within the safety of your control.  You may experience some remorse and desire to take back your item and place it back in its former place of safety, remember it is still safe, but just not with you at this time.  After a month, again assess your anxiety level.  You can still check with where ever the item is to see that it is still safe, but you cannot bring it back “home”.  Enjoy the freedom of having space; don’t refill the space the item once inhabited.  Enjoy the emptiness!
    • After two months move the items even further away, perhaps it can bless someone else.  Give it to Goodwill or the Salvation Army if it still retains some usefulness.  If it can be sold, put it in a consignment shop or on e-bay, but remember the rule is it cannot come back home.  If it doesn’t sell after a month, then it will need to be discarded.  By that time your anxiety level will have decreased to a point that you should be able to achieve this goal with greater ease.  The thought of reintroducing this item back into your closest, or attic should pose a level of discomfort for you because you have been enjoying the space provided by its absence.
 
With each step you take, remember to take the time to self congratulate.  Self validation and praise is important in this process.  You can do so using some practical means.  Assign yourself a treat.  Not necessarily food, but perhaps you can go to the movies with a friend.  Why? Because you have just done something to improve your situations, and even if no one knows about it, you do and it is worthy of some recognition.  We certainly take time to recognize our screw ups.  Let’s take time to recognize when we take steps in the direction of health and mental wellness.
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12/16/2019 2 Comments

The 2 am Session

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​Have you ever had a sleepless night, a night where sleep eluded you?  Or how about you go to sleep but your eyes pop open inexplicably at 2 am and you know sleep is over for you?  What do you do then?
Well for me this was a constant occurrence when my children were in their teens.  I was constantly thinking (truthfully worrying) about something related to them.  If it wasn’t their schooling, it was their future, or their friendships or their relationship with God, it was always something.

​I said the serenity prayer and recognized that they were their own people and I couldn’t control them as they matured and made decisions about their lives, but yet I couldn’t sleep.  I remembered that when they were babies I use to sleep a full 8 hours, and wondered if I would ever see those days again.  Well I did come through and am back sleeping well, so for you going through it now, there is hope.

My children are all grown now living their lives with various degrees of success and I am proud of each and every one of them.  There is progression not perfection in their lives and I am trusting God to bring them into His purpose for them.  But I will still have the occasional night where sleep is difficult.  One thing I noticed however is the ability of God to stay up all night and be my counselor.  As a counselor myself I am not that selfless.  I have only been asked to stay up late with someone once as I helped them through a crisis.  I did it because I wanted to help that individual, but I don’t think I am selfless enough to do that on a continuous basis.

On the occasional sleepless night I will be up at 2 am asking God to counsel me as my mind races with thoughts and feeling about many situations. As a wise counselor He listens patiently as I outline my thoughts and my feelings.  As I express my various feelings, anger, disappointment, fear, I will usually hear nothing, just the sound of His present silence.  I wondered if that is the way my clients feel.  I am there hearing and just breathing.  Is it comforting for them, because for me Gods silence was comforting.  His presence is a non judgmental witness to the turmoil in my mind.

As time passes I start to hear him say things, but it isn’t him saying anything.  It is me remembering things he had said to me over the years.  You see He and I have a relationship where I have read his word many times and I know the kind of things He says, I know His take on many things.  I remember what He said to Elijah in 1 Kings 19 and I hear him saying the same thing to me.  “Eat and sleep”.  I hear him encouraging me to take better care of myself.  I hear him remind me that He owns the cattle on a thousand hills and can give me access to anything I need, and will when He believes I “need” them.  I hear Him tell me that I am precious to him and that I can come to him at any time with my hurts, my frustrations and my fears.

Over the years I have had many clients come to a session and share that they had faced a situation during the week but were able to manage it well because they remembered something I had told them and they applied it to the situation.  I actually had a client say “you are in my head”.  Don’t know that that was the goal of therapy, but it was said in a positive way.  I came to realized that if you trust someone and are prepared to let them guide and direct you, they don’t need to be present for you to benefit from the guidance.

Recognizing that God is able to guide me even at 2 am has been wonderful.  There is no physical counselor out there who will visit you in the dark in your bedroom while you are under the covers and just sit and hear your thoughts.  If there was one, it would be creepy, just saying!.  God however does just that by providing you his comforting presence at the most inconvenient time and place for anyone else.  Who else is glad that they have a “Wonderful Counselor”.

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12/4/2014 0 Comments

3 Tips for Getting Through the Holidays

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The dreaded holidays are upon us.  The stress and discomfort of having to interact with so many people and smile when you don’t feel like smiling is a constant worry.  The financial expectations and obligations that you feel compelled to fulfill are looming.  If this is the gloomy view of the holidays that you entertain, you may be experiencing a form of depression that is very prevalent during this time of the year. 

It is not necessarily a clinical depression that needs to be treated with medication or therapy, but it should be addressed in a healthy manner.  The key here is to identify these emotions as temporary, only associated with the holidays.  If they persist past the holidays then we may be looking at clinical depression. 

But assuming that these feelings manifest themselves only around this time of the year, here are 3 tip to get you through.

  1. Manage your time wisely.  This season is just that, a season.  Although you may feel that there is too much you have on your plate, you can approach it the way a diner approaches an overfilled plate of food.  Eat what is in front of you and palatable to you, leave back the rest.  Take one bite at a time and focus on what you have already committed to chewing. 

  2. Take care of yourself.  Your investment in your self-care is necessary if you are going to be of benefit to those you care about and who care about you.  Rather than being selfish, some down time to engage in healthy activities that nurture you (reading a book, going to a game, or just playing a video game) may help you feel more energized for that day of gift shopping that you feel you need to do. If you don’t see your own worth it is unlikely you will be able to see the worth in those around you. 

  3. Revisit those things that you feel obligated or compelled to do.  Make a list of them and journal why you don’t want to do them.  Who is the one “making you” spend so much money.  Who is going to be angry at you if you don’t go to your in-laws house?  What is the worst case scenario if you “rebel”?  Will relationships be irrevocably broken, will you fail at your career and perhaps lose your job or will your spouse leave you?  Sometimes when we step back from a problem we see that we have adopted a catastrophic view on things that are not in and of themselves so catastrophic.  You may not be able to put aside all your perceived obligations, but there may be one or two on your list that you can let go of and free up energy to engage in the ones that are more rigid.

Even if you don’t celebrate Christmas as Christ’s birthday, use this season as a time where you can reconnect to others in a healthy way.  At the end of the day, a season that is supposed to focus you on “Peace on Earth and Good Will to Men” should not leave you feeling less peaceful and more at odds with your fellow men. Forge some real relationships and work on valuing yourself enough to be able to see the value and worth of others. Christmas from a spiritual point of view is really about the fact that God thought us worth the pain of coming to earth and giving up his life for us.  That is how much you are Loved.  This season, bask in that love!!!


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7/31/2014 0 Comments

Understand to be Understood

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In life it’s not so much the answers that trip us up, it is understanding the question.  For example for most people 1 + 1 = is an easy question, and the most likely answer you would receive is 2.  Most would say this is a no brainer.  However supposed the question looked more like this; what happens if I put a 1 next to another 1, what will I have in the end.  Then, with some thought the person may answer “two 1’s placed next to each other would produce the number 11.  Would the person asking the question then be correct in restating “oh so 1+1 is equal to 11!  With horror, the provider of the answer would probably try to correct them immediately and explain that having two 1’s together is different than adding a 1 and another 1. 

Something so simple can get so complicated if both individuals are not clear about what is really being asked?  So it is with the simplest of communications between individuals.  Before we are quick to provide an answer, let’s be sure we understand the question.  Learning the tools of asking for clarification, restating the question, and checking for meaning can make all the difference in a communication leading to a misunderstanding or understanding. The popular quote by Steven Covey “Seek first to understand, then to be understood”, which is his 5th habit in his book The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People, applies here. Or as can be found in James 1:19 “My dear brothers and sisters, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry…”

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6/13/2014 0 Comments

Repair or Rebuild: Blueprint for a damaged marriage

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Years ago my husband and I lived in an old home, then when we moved we built a brand new home. I remember my old home was warm and comfortable, but my husband complained that all his weekends were spent repairing things that were going wrong.  In hindsight I now see that it was very labor intensive for him to maintain the safety of such an old home (84yrs old).  He was delighted at the prospect of us building a new home and rejected the idea of buying an already constructed home when we moved.

I on the other hand found the building process very stressful.  I didn’t have the confidence that my decisions would be right (what kind of cabinets for the kitchen, what color should the carpet be or should we have a wood floor?)  There were so many decisions to make; decisions that we would have to live with for a longtime.  I was much more comfortable viewing homes already constructed and deciding to modify to suit my aesthetics. We had two different thoughts and viewpoints on the whole situation but our goal was the same, to have a home where we would both be happy to raise our family.

When I see couples in counseling I recognize the same dilemmas.  The couple comes to counseling identifying the common goal, to make the relationship work for both of them and perhaps their family.  They however may not have the same view on the work that needs to be done to get to that goal.

Sometimes one partner is set on repairing the relationship.  They are the one who state that the relationship use to be great and they want to know what to do to make it great again.  They want what they liked in the old situation; they minimize the structural defects, or unappealing aspects of the past relationship.  The other partner wants a whole new relationship, they want to rebuild.  They feel they have been working too hard to salvage something that is no longer appealing to them.  They may be the partner who has strayed outside of the relationship and had an affair, or they may be the one who is suggesting a divorce.  Their attendance at counseling may be a last ditch effort to help their partner accept the loss of the relationship and they want the counselor to condemn the building and support them in their cry to abandon it and move on.  Or in a more hopeful scenario, they want the counselor to help them rebuild with that same partner, but they definitely want a different structure on the same parcel of land.

Understanding the perspective of the couple as well as the individuals that make up the couple is key to helping them design the relationship that will work for both of them.  Whether they choose to rebuild or repair will be determined by the degree of damage found, the investment of time, effort and finances each person is willing to put in, and the ability of the parties involved to actually do the work.  If there are issues of substance abuse, domestic violence, or mental/physical limits the partner’s willingness may be hampered by their actual ability. But a competent counselor will help them to identify this.

I recommended that before a couple determine which plan is the best, they speak with an expert who can support their common goal and give them the tools and advice that will help them make the best decision for their particular relationship.  After all when you are looking to purchase a home, you are thinking a lifetime (or 30+ years).  Shouldn’t you be as committed to your relationship?


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12/20/2013 0 Comments

Scrambled Fried Eggs and other disappointments

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I like fried eggs, the look of the yellow yolk so clearly defined in the middle of the white and edged with a slightly crisp edge.  I like scrambled eggs, the soft almost custardy texture of the eggs.  I dislike eggs that are scrambled-fried.  How do we get scrambled-fried? By not being able to maintain the integrity of the fried egg and not prepping for a scrambled egg.

As I pondered my breakfast I wondered why a scrambled-fried egg bothered me so much.  Surely it was edible.  It was composed of two nutritious eggs that had been cooked.  So what if the original goal of seeing them fried had been abandoned as they began to stick to the pan and break up.  So what if I had decided to just scramble them mid cooking, after seeing that they could not be salvaged as perfectly cooked fried eggs.  Yet I still looked at them with disappointment, trying to decide whether to discard them or eat them. 

Looking at them represented to me a failure.  They were not what I had originally envisioned when I started this project.  It had gone wrong, and my attempt to salvage had produced a product that was not palatable to my eye, as my eye was still aligned with my mind and seeing what it should have looked like.  The thought of discarding the egg, a wasteful and foolish thought, still had appeal because of the depth of my disappointment, and the greatness of my desire to have what I originally envisioned.

I put my creation between two slices of warm buttered toast and took a bite.  To my surprise, it tasted like fried eggs.  That distinct fried flavor I had been craving; the look of it hidden between the slices of bread.  So glad I didn’t discard it.  I wonder how many things are discarded because we just get disappointed that it didn’t turn out exactly as we envisioned.  I learned the value of recognizing that at its core there is value in many things that are disappointing, it’s all about using what you have to make what you feel is lacking more appealing and palatable.

This year, if there are some things that for you represent failure and disappointment, before giving up on them (children, marriage, career) speak to someone who can help you perhaps find a way to recognize what core value may still remain.  It would be a shame to discard something that with a little work could be salvaged.


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12/8/2013 0 Comments

December 08th, 2013

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    Allison Bonilla LCSW

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